The Unspoken

  • person holding up hands as to say stop

    Redefining Strength: Gender, Choice, and the Power of Self Control

    Growing up in a traditional home and atmosphere, I was taught certain ideas about men and women that, looking back, I now realize were deeply flawed and dangerous. I sat through many stage talks and conversations where women were warned they had to protect men from their own weaknesses. I believed it at the time. In religious marriage circles, I listened to couples claiming that men were just destined to cheat if their “needs” weren’t met because their uncontrollable thoughts led to inevitable action. This narrative painted men as powerless against their impulses, while I believed women were burdened with the responsibility of maintaining a stability they weren’t meant to handle.

    For years, this shaped how I viewed masculinity—as something fragile, prone to failure unless carefully managed. It wasn’t until I met a group of men who challenged that belief. These men lived with discipline, integrity, and strength, revealing a truth I’d never been told directly: men are not mindless arbiters of their inherent biology. They are not victims, just as women aren’t. They are capable of remarkable strength, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

    Unfortunately, some worldviews, large groups of people, still promote a version of masculinity that encourages passivity toward temptation rather than responsibility. This “boys will be boys” mindset can discourage men from fully developing their emotional resilience. Yet the truth is, men thrive when given opportunities to build resilience. Psychologists Roy Baumeister and John Tierney emphasize in that practicing self-control strengthens one’s ability to resist impulses over time, proving that men are designed to grow stronger, not weaker, through challenge and discipline.

    While researching further, I discovered an interesting study revealing that men and women aren’t as different in terms of libido as I originally thought. I found the conversation around gender and impulse control is shifting, with emerging research indicating that sex drive is a personality trait found in both men and women; while studies confirm that men, on average, have a higher libido, the gap is much smaller than historically believed. Research published in the Journal of Sex Research found that approximately two-thirds of women report having a stronger sex drive than the average man (Mark et al., 2018). Despite this, women are disproportionately less likely to commit sexual violence or engage in sexual misconduct (Finkelhor et al., 2014).

    However, research indicates that men often face higher rates of involvement in crime and display greater vulnerability to mental health issues. Statistical analyses from the Bureau of Justice indicate that men commit approximately 73% of all violent crimes, suggesting a potential link between societal expectations of masculinity and aggressive behavior. Furthermore, studies published in journals like Psychological Medicine highlight that men are less likely to seek help for mental health problems, contributing to higher rates of suicide among men compared to women.

    Furthermore, research suggests that women often exhibit greater self-control than men, as seen in various studies that indicate women are more likely to delay gratification and resist impulsive behaviors. Psychologists explain this trend through socialization practices, where girls are frequently encouraged to develop emotional regulation skills from a young age, leading to a stronger ability to manage impulses. Additionally, a study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences found that women scored higher in measures of self-control compared to their male counterparts.

    For both men and women, foundational influences shape their identity and trajectory. Research indicates that fathers play a significant role in the development of their children’s future success, particularly in men. Active paternal involvement is correlated with greater self-discipline, self-esteem, and academic achievement later in life (Lamb, 2004; Parker & Wang, 2013). A nurturing father figure can instill values and resilience, crucial for navigating challenges and setting goals. Thus, the impact of a father’s guidance extends far beyond childhood, influencing critical aspects of adult life and personal success.

    However, who a person ends up being is entirely up to them, their choices, and their actions. Many studies indicate that individuals possess a remarkable capacity for behavioral change, regardless of their age. Research in psychology demonstrates that adaptability is a core aspect of human nature; the brain’s neuroplasticity allows for new habits and thought patterns to be developed throughout one’s life. For instance, Habits can be reshaped through intention and practice, as noted in the work of James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits, who emphasizes the power of small changes leading to significant transformations. Additionally, programs focusing on cognitive-behavioral techniques have shown effectiveness in facilitating change in both personal and professional contexts, highlighting that a person’s choices and commitment indeed play a pivotal role in shaping who they ultimately become.

    The idea that men are ruled by their impulses isn’t just outdated; it’s harmful. It is widely known that self-control is not only possible for men, but highly trainable. Research in psychology demonstrates that developing habits of discipline strengthens the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s center for decision-making and impulse control (Moffitt et al., 2011). Reinforcing that men, like women, are fully capable of choosing integrity over indulgence.

    Men deserve to know they are more than their struggles, and that they aren’t powerless against them. They are fully capable of becoming leaders, protectors, and pillars of strength—not by suppressing their humanity, but by embracing their potential for self-mastery. The men I encountered showed me this reality. They weren’t perfect, but they lived intentionally, rejecting the lie that they were doomed to fail if left unchecked.

    To achieve this shift, we must prioritize programs that promote emotional literacy, empathy, and accountability in boys from a young age. Schools and families can adopt strategies such as mindfulness practices, open discussions about our emotions, and mentorship programs that emphasize self-control and positive masculinity. By reinforcing the idea that boys are capable of mastering their thoughts and actions, we lay the foundation for a safer and more equitable society for everyone.

    If you are a man who has felt conditioned to believe you are powerless against your struggles, I want you to know this: You are not a victim of your impulses. You are strong. You shape the landscape on how women feel in society. You are capable of making today feel safe for women. And you deserve a life built on purpose, respect, and unwavering strength.

    If this post paralleled, shifted, or challenged your perspective, comment. Every discussion is welcome.

    References:

    • Mark, K. P., Vowels, L. M., & Murray, S. H. (2018). The Prevalence of Higher Sexual Desire in Women: Challenging the Gender Norm. Journal of Sex Research.
    • Finkelhor, D., Ormrod, R., & Chaffin, M. (2014). Juveniles Who Commit Sexual Offenses Against Minors. Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.
    • Durlak, J. A., Weissberg, R. P., Dymnicki, A. B., Taylor, R. D., & Schellinger, K. B. (2011). The Impact of Enhancing Students’ Social and Emotional Learning: A Meta-Analysis of School-Based Universal Interventions. Child Development.
    • Clear, J. (2018). Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones. Avery.
    • Moffitt, T. E., Arseneault, L., Belsky, D., Dickson, N., Doherty, A., Hancox, R. J., … & Caspi, A. (2011). A gradient of childhood self-control predicts health, wealth, and public safety. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 108(7), 2693-2698. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1010076108
    • Lamb, M. E. (2004). The Role of the Father in Child Development. John Wiley & Sons.
    • Parker, J. G., & Wang, Q. (2013). Fathering and children’s peer relationships: Exploring the roles of fathers, mothers, and friends. In M. E. Lamb (Ed.), The Role of the Father in Child Development (5th ed., pp. 261-290). John Wiley & Sons.

  • Is peace found in knowing less, or in accepting more?

    We often think of being alive as something purely positive—full of energy, passion, and presence. But what if there’s such a thing as being too alive? What if anxiety, that relentless hum of worry and self-doubt, is actually an excess of life—an overexposure to the weight of existence itself?

    It’s a strange paradox. The most anxious people aren’t sleepwalking through life; they’re hyper-aware, tuned in to every possible danger, every unspoken social cue, every fleeting moment. They live with an almost painful intensity, their minds racing ahead to futures that haven’t happened yet, dissecting pasts they can’t change. They see too much, feel too much, think too much.

    And that raises a question: Do we only find peace through less awareness? Are the happiest people those who don’t overanalyze, who don’t constantly contemplate the meaning of it all? If ignorance is bliss, is knowledge a curse?

    The Science of Anxiety and Hyperawareness

    There is scientific evidence suggesting that anxiety and heightened self-awareness go hand in hand. Neuroscientists have found that people with high anxiety levels tend to have an overactive amygdala, the brain’s fear-processing center, and increased connectivity with the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for complex thought and self-reflection (Grupe & Nitschke, 2013). This suggests that anxious individuals are not just reacting emotionally but are also overthinking their emotions and surroundings.

    A 2017 study published in Nature Human Behaviour (Paulus & Stein, 2017) found that anxious individuals exhibit excessive prediction-based processing—they are constantly trying to anticipate threats, even when none exist. This heightened awareness of potential dangers, whether social or physical, fuels a state of chronic stress.

    In other words, anxiety may be a side effect of an overactive survival instinct. We evolved to detect threats quickly—once, it helped our ancestors avoid predators. But in a modern world where physical threats are rare, this system turns inward, scanning social situations, existential dilemmas, and uncertain futures instead. In this way, anxiety could be seen as an excess of aliveness—a brain too engaged in the act of survival.

    Is Ignorance Really Bliss?

    The idea that ignorance leads to happiness is supported by research in positive psychology. Studies have shown that people with lower cognitive reflection—meaning they don’t deeply analyze every thought or decision—tend to report higher levels of happiness (Frederick, 2005). This is linked to what’s called the “positivity bias”, where less critical self-examination allows people to feel more confident and content.

    But does this mean that deeply self-aware people are doomed to misery? Not necessarily. Some psychologists argue that true peace isn’t found in ignorance but in acceptance. Mindfulness practices, which encourage present-moment awareness without excessive judgment, have been shown to reduce anxiety by shifting focus away from overanalyzing thoughts (Hölzel et al., 2011). This suggests that it’s not awareness itself that’s the problem, but our resistance to it—our tendency to spiral into fear rather than allowing ourselves to simply be.

    Furthermore, a study conducted by the Pew Research Center (2017) highlights that religious practices, especially within Christianity, significantly contribute to increased happiness and life satisfaction. This effect primarily arises from the reassuring message of surrendering worries to God, and the study of the bible. As individuals relinquish these burdens and study the bible’s pages, they often find a renewed sense of peace and resilience, enabling them to tackle life’s challenges. Additionally, the communal aspect of religious involvement provides essential social support and cultivates a sense of belonging, which further boosts emotional well-being throughout bouts of hard life experiences.

    Finding the Balance Between Awareness and Peace

    So, if both hyperawareness and ignorance have their downsides, what is the middle path? Some possible answers:

    • Mindful awareness: Being present without overanalyzing. Studies show that mindfulness can physically rewire the brain, reducing activity in the default mode network (DMN), which is associated with excessive rumination (Brewer et al., 2011).
    • Philosophical detachment: Many spiritual traditions, from Buddhism to Stoicism, emphasize that suffering comes not from awareness itself but from our emotional attachment to what we perceive. Learning to observe thoughts without clinging to them may offer an alternative to anxiety.
    • Controlled ignorance: There is power in choosing where to direct our attention. Not all knowledge is beneficial; some things are best left unexplored if they only bring distress without solutions.
    • Belief in a higher power: Surrendering worries to God, studying the Bible, and being a part of a faith community has been proven to increase peace and resilience. This enhances emotional well-being, peace, while also allowing the person to be held accountable, if done healthily, in moral awareness.

    Conclusion: Too Alive, or Just Not at Peace?

    Maybe the real problem isn’t being too alive—it’s that we don’t know how to live comfortably with that aliveness. Anxiety, at its core, is an awareness of life’s unpredictability and fragility. But if we can learn to embrace that awareness rather than fear it, we might discover that..

    true peace isn’t in ignorance, but in knowing how to let go.

    So, what do you think? Is peace found in knowing less, or in accepting more?

    References

    1. Grupe, D. W., & Nitschke, J. B. (2013). Uncertainty and anticipation in anxiety: An integrative perspective. Emotion, 13(3), 539-548.
    2. Paulus, M. P., & Stein, M. B. (2017). Interoception in anxiety and depression: Is it time to turn our eyes inwards? Nature Human Behaviour, 1(4), 1-9.
    3. Frederick, S. (2005). Cognitive reflection and decision making. Journal of Economic Perspectives, 19(4), 25-42.
    4. Hölzel, B. K., Carmody, J., Evans, K. C., & Lazar, S. W. (2011). Stress reduction correlates with structural changes in the amygdala. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 6(1), 99-104.
    5. Pew Research Center. (2017). The Role of Religion in Americans’ Lives. Retrieved from Pew Research Center.
    6. Brewer, J. A., Garrison, K. A., & Whitfield-Gabrieli, S. (2011). What about the “self” is processed in the default mode network? Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 5, 1-10.

  • The Unspoken.blog: Purpose

    “The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.”

    ― Albert Einstein

    “Every now and then a man’s mind is stretched by a new idea or sensation, and never shrinks back to its former dimensions.”

    ― Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr., Autocrat of the Breakfast Table

    It is truly beautiful to possess an open mind and a love for learning. The ability to realize the expanse of knowledge that we have yet to discover is dauntingly epic in size. It can be overwhelming, but to empathize without judgment and to observe without bias holds real power in today’s polarized world, where the truth is at its hardest to find in history. However, what ignites the pursuit of truths if our thoughts remain unspoken? What have we observed that we are holding back? What perspectives have we not represented? The Unspoken.Blog will act as a platform spotlighting the unspoken conversations that we might not think matter, but do.

    As the author, consider me as a person who embraces curiosity as I strive to catalyze discussions around the unspoken. My intention is to unravel the enigma surrounding unspoken truths and present perspectives that are often overshadowed. Imperfect as both a writer and a person, I am dedicated to articulating my insights in an unbiased and empathetic manner, all in the pursuit of truth. My identity – my name, gender, and race – will remain unspoken, while I offer you an unfiltered glimpse of the world through my eyes and interactions.

    Welcome to The Unspoken.Blog.