Growing up in a traditional home and atmosphere, I was taught certain ideas about men and women that, looking back, I now realize were deeply flawed and dangerous. I sat through many stage talks and conversations where women were warned they had to protect men from their own weaknesses. I believed it at the time. In religious marriage circles, I listened to couples claiming that men were just destined to cheat if their “needs” weren’t met because their uncontrollable thoughts led to inevitable action. This narrative painted men as powerless against their impulses, while I believed women were burdened with the responsibility of maintaining a stability they weren’t meant to handle.

For years, this shaped how I viewed masculinity—as something fragile, prone to failure unless carefully managed. It wasn’t until I met a group of men who challenged that belief. These men lived with discipline, integrity, and strength, revealing a truth I’d never been told directly: men are not mindless arbiters of their inherent biology. They are not victims, just as women aren’t. They are capable of remarkable strength, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

Unfortunately, some worldviews, large groups of people, still promote a version of masculinity that encourages passivity toward temptation rather than responsibility. This “boys will be boys” mindset can discourage men from fully developing their emotional resilience. Yet the truth is, men thrive when given opportunities to build resilience. Psychologists Roy Baumeister and John Tierney emphasize in that practicing self-control strengthens one’s ability to resist impulses over time, proving that men are designed to grow stronger, not weaker, through challenge and discipline.

While researching further, I discovered an interesting study revealing that men and women aren’t as different in terms of libido as I originally thought. I found the conversation around gender and impulse control is shifting, with emerging research indicating that sex drive is a personality trait found in both men and women; while studies confirm that men, on average, have a higher libido, the gap is much smaller than historically believed. Research published in the Journal of Sex Research found that approximately two-thirds of women report having a stronger sex drive than the average man (Mark et al., 2018). Despite this, women are disproportionately less likely to commit sexual violence or engage in sexual misconduct (Finkelhor et al., 2014).

However, research indicates that men often face higher rates of involvement in crime and display greater vulnerability to mental health issues. Statistical analyses from the Bureau of Justice indicate that men commit approximately 73% of all violent crimes, suggesting a potential link between societal expectations of masculinity and aggressive behavior. Furthermore, studies published in journals like Psychological Medicine highlight that men are less likely to seek help for mental health problems, contributing to higher rates of suicide among men compared to women.

Furthermore, research suggests that women often exhibit greater self-control than men, as seen in various studies that indicate women are more likely to delay gratification and resist impulsive behaviors. Psychologists explain this trend through socialization practices, where girls are frequently encouraged to develop emotional regulation skills from a young age, leading to a stronger ability to manage impulses. Additionally, a study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences found that women scored higher in measures of self-control compared to their male counterparts.

For both men and women, foundational influences shape their identity and trajectory. Research indicates that fathers play a significant role in the development of their children’s future success, particularly in men. Active paternal involvement is correlated with greater self-discipline, self-esteem, and academic achievement later in life (Lamb, 2004; Parker & Wang, 2013). A nurturing father figure can instill values and resilience, crucial for navigating challenges and setting goals. Thus, the impact of a father’s guidance extends far beyond childhood, influencing critical aspects of adult life and personal success.

However, who a person ends up being is entirely up to them, their choices, and their actions. Many studies indicate that individuals possess a remarkable capacity for behavioral change, regardless of their age. Research in psychology demonstrates that adaptability is a core aspect of human nature; the brain’s neuroplasticity allows for new habits and thought patterns to be developed throughout one’s life. For instance, Habits can be reshaped through intention and practice, as noted in the work of James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits, who emphasizes the power of small changes leading to significant transformations. Additionally, programs focusing on cognitive-behavioral techniques have shown effectiveness in facilitating change in both personal and professional contexts, highlighting that a person’s choices and commitment indeed play a pivotal role in shaping who they ultimately become.

The idea that men are ruled by their impulses isn’t just outdated; it’s harmful. It is widely known that self-control is not only possible for men, but highly trainable. Research in psychology demonstrates that developing habits of discipline strengthens the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s center for decision-making and impulse control (Moffitt et al., 2011). Reinforcing that men, like women, are fully capable of choosing integrity over indulgence.

Men deserve to know they are more than their struggles, and that they aren’t powerless against them. They are fully capable of becoming leaders, protectors, and pillars of strength—not by suppressing their humanity, but by embracing their potential for self-mastery. The men I encountered showed me this reality. They weren’t perfect, but they lived intentionally, rejecting the lie that they were doomed to fail if left unchecked.

To achieve this shift, we must prioritize programs that promote emotional literacy, empathy, and accountability in boys from a young age. Schools and families can adopt strategies such as mindfulness practices, open discussions about our emotions, and mentorship programs that emphasize self-control and positive masculinity. By reinforcing the idea that boys are capable of mastering their thoughts and actions, we lay the foundation for a safer and more equitable society for everyone.

If you are a man who has felt conditioned to believe you are powerless against your struggles, I want you to know this: You are not a victim of your impulses. You are strong. You shape the landscape on how women feel in society. You are capable of making today feel safe for women. And you deserve a life built on purpose, respect, and unwavering strength.

If this post paralleled, shifted, or challenged your perspective, comment. Every discussion is welcome.

References:

• Mark, K. P., Vowels, L. M., & Murray, S. H. (2018). The Prevalence of Higher Sexual Desire in Women: Challenging the Gender Norm. Journal of Sex Research.
• Finkelhor, D., Ormrod, R., & Chaffin, M. (2014). Juveniles Who Commit Sexual Offenses Against Minors. Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.
• Durlak, J. A., Weissberg, R. P., Dymnicki, A. B., Taylor, R. D., & Schellinger, K. B. (2011). The Impact of Enhancing Students’ Social and Emotional Learning: A Meta-Analysis of School-Based Universal Interventions. Child Development.
• Clear, J. (2018). Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones. Avery.
• Moffitt, T. E., Arseneault, L., Belsky, D., Dickson, N., Doherty, A., Hancox, R. J., … & Caspi, A. (2011). A gradient of childhood self-control predicts health, wealth, and public safety. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 108(7), 2693-2698. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1010076108
• Lamb, M. E. (2004). The Role of the Father in Child Development. John Wiley & Sons.
• Parker, J. G., & Wang, Q. (2013). Fathering and children’s peer relationships: Exploring the roles of fathers, mothers, and friends. In M. E. Lamb (Ed.), The Role of the Father in Child Development (5th ed., pp. 261-290). John Wiley & Sons.